It is normal to have a variety of emotions after death and different people handle things in different ways. There is no timescale for what an individual should feel and when. It may be that an individual has strong emotions immediately after the death of a loved one, but many individuals do not experience these emotions until much later on. Some individuals feel ‘Anticipatory grieving’ where they have strong feelings such as loss and grief before the end of life.
An individual may want to share their feelings with family and friends, but equally, they may not feel comfortable doing this. Some people find it easy to talk to a particular individual – to express their thoughts and feelings freely. But we should respect a person’s rights if they choose not to talk about it and not force a conversation on them.
This is no different for someone with a learning disability. Historically it’s been believed that someone with a learning disability would not be able to understand or express grief. Therefore some family and staff members have not discussed the death of a family member or friend to someone with a learning disability to try and protect them and so as not to hurt their feelings. As much as this is done with good intentions, this is not encouraged as likely to cause further upset and confusion. Here are some things that may help you to have this conversation.
(Blackman N Todd S, Caring for people with learning disabilities who are dying (2005) Worth Publishing).
- Be honest, be prepared to sit and talk to people (including those with no verbal communication) and use methods of communication most appropriate for the individuals (language, photos, books).
- Remember it’s normal to feel unhappy/sad and hurt but be aware that the individual may need time for these feelings to manifest.
- Help the individual to think back on positive and enjoyable times ‘Do you remember the time that…?’
- Someone with a learning disability may need more than one conversation to fully understand and accept what’s happened.
- If you feel sad and upset don’t hide this, this will help the individual with a learning disability realise this is a normal reaction to grief
- Ensure the individual has support to continue with their normal daily lives whilst trying to adapt to living without their friend/family member around them (if this is something they want to continue with).
- Support the person to take part in the formal grief processes like buying flowers, attending the funeral, or having a remembrance event at home, or planting a tree, or putting a bench with their name on in the garden.
- Make a memory box or photo album about the individual to help remember the good and bad times.
- Place photos around that people can go to and pick up to communicate they are thinking about the person.